The fading forests grow

      "I would be lying if I said I was not penning this down with no mixed feelings..." 



     My Christmas was one spent in the sunny Southern California, in the lovely area of Palm Springs. It is very strange there; surreal, as it was a chilly time, yet with the eternally green grass and palm and evergreen trees about and many desert flowers blooming, it looked like summertime. Still, it was very nice, and the weather was perfect for many things.

    The first day there was, frankly, a mess. It was lovely to see my grandparents again; we spent the whole time in their house. We unpacked alright, but the different time zone, lack of sleep, and a plethora of very sorrowful feelings churning in me made the whole day and evening a rough affair.

    Things improved from thereon out. The days were really rather peaceful; we went to eat with my mother's sister and her husband after going to a park known as Joshua Tree National Park. It's a pretty desolate place, but the trees themselves were bizarre and interesting, as well as the varied rock formations and history of the park we learned more of as we went along. We went to a summit and were able to see the whole of Palm Springs, even to the salt sea beyond, and a few mountains even further away. It was immense, vast, humbling, nearly overwhelming....and very cold. Still, it was really amazing.

    I read a great deal of Jane Eyre, which I like a lot, but still have yet to finish. I also read, more later on, old Celtic Romances and finished the most recent book in the How to Train Your Dragon series, which was very good.

    Also saw my father's side of the family; firstly the grandparents, then his sister, her husband and two of her sons and their children. Their children were frankly all adorable and were being raised well; they were behaving admirably for their age. Also there was one of my cousin's Rottweiler, who was a presence all on her own with roughly 120 pounds to back her up. Still, she was a sweetie, though a gluttonous one.

    Spent a lot of time with this side of the family, which was really nice; they're good and easy to get along with and talk with. Also tried Guinness...and realized much of it is far too light for my taste. Ahh, I really do want some Cider sooner than later...

    Overall it was a great vacation. Christmas Day was our last full day there, and it was really quiet compared to the previous day. Went to two great masses (Sunday and Christmas dawn) and also Advent Confession, and at the Adoration Chapel in that particular church, saw a relic of Saint Padre Pio. This meant a great deal, as I had started to pray regularly by the handbook of devotionals related to and directed to him, asking for intercession. More than anything this Christmas, I gave away many prayers. I do not know, and may never know, if anything has or will come of them, but I do think it's done me good, at the least.

    On the first day, while leaving from the second airport at the half-way stop, it was then that I started the prayers that I have continued and will continue to do so, and it was then I was inspired to write a letter that I will never send. Expressing myself through it has made me feel very purged; psychologically, it was a very good exercise.

    At this moment, I am happy it's Christmas, and I wish everyone I have ever known a good Christmas. This Advent has been fruitful, as well as the time spent with my family and I'm very grateful for it. But I still feel very lost in many ways, especially in regards to the letter. It all does feel very lonely, and perhaps nothing will ever occur or happen, because I am rather powerless. All I can do is pray. Yet, no matter what occurs, I still believe there will be fear. But that might just be because no matter what happens, there will be suffering.
I do not want the easy way, I want what is best; I hope for it, no matter what it may be.

    I have so many things, that have occurred, are occurring and will occur, which I may be grateful for. I cannot close my heart any more than I can open the hearts of others, but this is fine. To accept and be at peace is my own Christmas wish at the moment. To be grateful and accept the suffering, no matter where or when it may come, not matter the cause. And yet hoping that it comes from healing, all the better...


      Oh how I wish I could express this...to express this and all with complete fullness, as words are indeed so limited!